It's been 2 1/2 years since I had Lap Band surgery to reign in my 320 pound weight. What I didn't know at the time was that I was beginning the process of knocking out the last holdout . . . my addiction to food.
It's ironic that overeating is socially acceptable while the consequences are decidedly not. We are bombarded with messages that tell us we must be thin and gorgeous, while chowing down on stuffed-crust pizza, bacon cheese thickburgers, and blizzards consisting of a full day's calories with next to no nutritional value. While I'd love to blame the ad agencies and the corporate food mafia for my morbid obesity, my urges were forged in the nightmare of my childhood. Supermarkets, restaurants and ad campaigns just made it easy to score my drug of choice.
It's a funny thing that only true food addicts understand. The fact that when I hit 320 I was honestly and truly shocked and amazed that I had gotten that big. In my mind I was overweight, but the reality of my size was safely shrouded behind a strong wall of denial. It was only when I saw photos of myself that reality hit. Hard. I stared at this photo as if I had never met that large woman on a 4-wheeler.
I fooled myself into believing that I looked good when I dressed up and
that I could camouflage my bulk with savvy clothing choices. Black was
the only color I wore because it was so slimming. This photo from about
the same time testifies to the state of my denial.
I'll grant that I'm not hideous in this photo, but believe me when I tell you that the woman in my mind's eye was HALF the size of the one in this photo. In talking with other obese women I've discovered that this is pretty common. There's a serious disconnect between the way we think we look and how we actually look.
So in May of 2011 I decided enough was enough and I scheduled an appointment with a bariatric surgeon. I was already aware that my insurance wasn't going to cover any kind of weight loss surgery, so I knew I"d be writing a very big check. The day I met with the surgeon I weighed 310.8 and was relieved that I wasn't at my highest of 320. Because I was a "cash pay", I was whisked through the battery of pre-surgery requirements which were conveniently located just a few doors down from the surgeon's office. My surgeon waived my psych eval, which in hindsight is hilarious . . . and a little sad. I mean seriously, is there anyone out there who weighs 320 pounds that doesn't have some psychological issues?
There was something about altering the digestive system by removing parts that just didn't sit well with me. I chose the Lap Band because I felt it would be the least likely to cause long-term health complications. I had my consultation on a Monday and scheduled my surgery for the following Wednesday. My surgeon required a 3 day liquid diet, so the Saturday night before my surgery I had my last hurrah. Hubby and I ordered a large, thick crust pizza with the works and topped it off with a pint of Ben & Jerry's. Each. Sunday I started drinking SlimFast shakes in preparation for my surgery and said goodbye to my former gluttonous self. I shelled out $17,000 for what I was sure would be the cure for my obsession with food.
To be honest, it actually worked for a while. I lost about 85 pounds in the first year and felt really good. Sort of. I mean what's not to love about being 85b pounds lighter, right? But my obsession with food had not dissipated. It was a constant struggle to be satisfied with 3-4 oz of lean protein and 1/2 cup of vegetables. I obsessed about what I was going to eat and tried to find foods that I could consume in large quantities with next to no calories. My favorite was "protein jello" which is no longer made . . . makes you wonder huh??
I soon slipped into old patterns of eating too much and eating the wrong things, always with the secret internal promise that I would "be good" tomorrow to make up for it. I stopped weighing myself, stopped exercising and just hid out. Before I knew it I had regained nearly 30 pounds, back up to 259. Other women who had had weight loss surgery around the same time I did were already at goal and getting plastic surgery for their hanging skin and deflated bosoms, while I was lost in a downward spiral of shame and failure. I was binging nearly every day and eating all night long, hiding packages and wrappers in the trash so my husband wouldn't know. It never dawned on me that since we are the only two in the house, the missing food and my spreading ass were dead giveaways. *sigh*
On the last day before I decided to deal with it, I went to the store and bought cashews (a can of halves and a can of pieces), chocolate covered cashews, malted milk balls, 2 bags of trail mix, deluxe mixed nuts with no peanuts and chocolate covered raisins. My justification was that I was going to do something about my eating and I would need some secret stashes for when I absolutely HAD to have something. Ummm . . . . insane much?? Anyway, the plan was to hide this stuff and nibble at it here and there in emergencies. In 24 hours it was ALL gone, and I was trying to figure out how to get to the store to get more without my husband knowing. That's when it hit me: my life was unmanageable because of my addiction to food. I listened to my first online Overeaters Anonymous podcast that same night. I cried the whole way through it, but I heard people saying that they did the same things I did with food. All the thoughts and behaviors I thought were unique to me and my sick obsession with food were common. Best of all, some talked about long term abstinence, and regained sanity. I made a vow to start that very moment dealing with my addiction to eating.
